Anne's Writing World

 I lost my mind last night.  I yelled at my kid again who wetted the bed last night. I think the reason I lost it was I heard my husband yelled first, and I was interrupted during a Korean drama. Deep down my mind, I really want to finish the drama but my little boy wetted again. What's worse, my husband had a temper at him which made a scene like  I was a bad mom because I left my child in the bed to enjoy my own time.  I said something really bad last night again, and it made me feel really terrible.  (Something like I would want to leave the family..) I couldn't sleep. I don't have energy. I feel bad.  I need to put myself together to face my job which also consumes a lot of energy emotionally.  Is it possible that I spend too much energy at work, and I don't save some for my family.  Why is it so hard?

Last night, I yelled at my four-year-old, just because he didn't want to eat. Well, what came out my mouth was for my husband, mostly. Recently, I feel restricted. My mind is eager to shout, soar and fly away.  I can't smile and feel depressed sometimes.  Not because my job. I love my job. I love the satisfaction that it brings me. I love the group of kind and considerate people who can catch me and support me. I love my family, my caring husband and two beautiful sons. Why can't I smile?  What happened to me? 

Does pure happiness exist?  If does, I believe I don't have it for a long time. 

 It's been two years. Well, I came here to write again is because I encountered a cold war with my husband again. It seems that every time our relationship had a problem, I came to write again.  But this time, I don't want to do something first. I'm not the one who lost his temper, threw something and scared the kids.  Fuck you. 

Well, long time no see, my blog. It's hard to believe my last writing was in April. Did I do something special or meaningful? No. So, overall speaking, my 2018 was a failure. I didn't achieve anything proud. Maybe... One only thing I am proud of is my little boy, who is so lovely and brings so much love and laughter in my life. He has being  growing, but thing that only grows is my weight. :( Still, as usual, I'm going to make some positive new year resolutions for myself. At least, this time I wrote them down so that I can review and reflect them in the end of 2019. 1. I hope to finish my thesis paper this year. **This is my last year. I wasted two years, almost 30 thousand NT dollars on nothing. What a bloody idiot I am!!! 2. I hope to lose some weights down to 65kg (60kg the best). **Eat wise and exercise more!! 3. Keep regular schedule everyday, such as sleeping on time (before 11p.m.) 4. Don't use cellphone more than 2 hours at night. **Write pape...

Being a teacher makes me weak sometimes. Deeply, I want to be powerful and strong in my voice. To make some changes, to do something good and to contribute my strength. It seems to be far from the reality. I always want to be a fighter for women right/power, for human rights and for children. In the school, you do the same things day after day, nothing changes. When you want to do something different, you will first face the obstacles inside the school system. Or you will feel lazy because all the irritating paperwork. I know I can do something or be someone as a teacher. However, the  bureaucracy  kills me.