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Hello my blog again.

 It's been two years. Well, I came here to write again is because I encountered a cold war with my husband again. It seems that every time our relationship had a problem, I came to write again. 

But this time, I don't want to do something first. I'm not the one who lost his temper, threw something and scared the kids. 

Fuck you. 

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Parenting Hell?

 I lost my mind last night.  I yelled at my kid again who wetted the bed last night. I think the reason I lost it was I heard my husband yelled first, and I was interrupted during a Korean drama. Deep down my mind, I really want to finish the drama but my little boy wetted again. What's worse, my husband had a temper at him which made a scene like  I was a bad mom because I left my child in the bed to enjoy my own time.  I said something really bad last night again, and it made me feel really terrible.  (Something like I would want to leave the family..) I couldn't sleep. I don't have energy. I feel bad.  I need to put myself together to face my job which also consumes a lot of energy emotionally.  Is it possible that I spend too much energy at work, and I don't save some for my family.  Why is it so hard?
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Not a good fighter

Being a teacher makes me weak sometimes. Deeply, I want to be powerful and strong in my voice. To make some changes, to do something good and to contribute my strength. It seems to be far from the reality. I always want to be a fighter for women right/power, for human rights and for children. In the school, you do the same things day after day, nothing changes. When you want to do something different, you will first face the obstacles inside the school system. Or you will feel lazy because all the irritating paperwork. I know I can do something or be someone as a teacher. However, the  bureaucracy  kills me. 
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Just keep writing...

Last night, I yelled at my four-year-old, just because he didn't want to eat. Well, what came out my mouth was for my husband, mostly. Recently, I feel restricted. My mind is eager to shout, soar and fly away.  I can't smile and feel depressed sometimes.  Not because my job. I love my job. I love the satisfaction that it brings me. I love the group of kind and considerate people who can catch me and support me. I love my family, my caring husband and two beautiful sons. Why can't I smile?  What happened to me? 
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