Today I start writing. I hope I can make a habit of it. There are some reasons- to improve my writing skills, to clean my thoughts and to examine myself. The truth is... I have no one to talk to.
I've been impatient and reluctant in this relationship after my son's birth.We are married and known each other for seven years. Is ''seven year itch'' a real thing? I still love him, but we don't have that bond and communication anymore. (Mostly is to listen him to complain about his job and colleagues over and over again, or what to eat today and tomorrow.)
This morning, starting with an early alarm clock (about 4:50), my 16-month son, Kimi was whining and awake. I was reading and I rushed to the bedroom to put him into sleep. But he didn't. He was totally awake. After couples of minutes, Kimi didn't want to sleep. He wanted to get up. I was angry about the alarm clock.I got up and turned on all the lights in order to wake the man next to me. My husband woke up and wanted to hold him back. I have been angry about the clock waking Kimi up. With the emotion, I took my son's pants to hit the man three times, two on the body and one on the face. I think he was shocked, confused and getting angry. Few minutes later, he took Kimi to another room and rejected me to hold him many times.
After finishing the milk, Kimi was taken to downstairs to play his toys. I started to make up the bed and package his bag for the baby center. Mr. Llmas went to take a shower, not willing to say a word or look at me. I started to cry. I had the same feeling as couple of years ago when I did something that he hated, he would shut down himself to dealing with the emotion and anger on his own. I was sad, scared and insecure. But I still have to be strong and stay with my baby. I apologize to my husband, "Darling, I'm sorry. I should't have hit you." He replied in anger, "No, you don't have to apologize." which means he didn't accept it. I know how big the mistake was.
I left for work. My son was yelling because mommy was gone. On the way, I was riding and thinking that if nothing can change, if I lost this time, if he won't forgive me, if we separate, how much I can earn. I don't want the house (so I have to rent one for me and my baby), I can buy a second-hand car, I don't need much, only my baby boy. I can't live without him. He is my blood, my life and my pressure. But depending on what happened this morning, I can't win physically over him. I was blocked, and the baby was taken away.
So when I got to work place, I began a short message to apologize to him again. I hope he won't be angry for too long. I hope he can forgive me and, the most important of all, I hope my boy is around love and care, not hatred or anger.
This is my fault.
I need to improve my emotion management.
I won't make the same mistake anymore, not to anyone.
I can't lose my baby.
Please help me get through this.
I've been impatient and reluctant in this relationship after my son's birth.We are married and known each other for seven years. Is ''seven year itch'' a real thing? I still love him, but we don't have that bond and communication anymore. (Mostly is to listen him to complain about his job and colleagues over and over again, or what to eat today and tomorrow.)
This morning, starting with an early alarm clock (about 4:50), my 16-month son, Kimi was whining and awake. I was reading and I rushed to the bedroom to put him into sleep. But he didn't. He was totally awake. After couples of minutes, Kimi didn't want to sleep. He wanted to get up. I was angry about the alarm clock.I got up and turned on all the lights in order to wake the man next to me. My husband woke up and wanted to hold him back. I have been angry about the clock waking Kimi up. With the emotion, I took my son's pants to hit the man three times, two on the body and one on the face. I think he was shocked, confused and getting angry. Few minutes later, he took Kimi to another room and rejected me to hold him many times.
After finishing the milk, Kimi was taken to downstairs to play his toys. I started to make up the bed and package his bag for the baby center. Mr. Llmas went to take a shower, not willing to say a word or look at me. I started to cry. I had the same feeling as couple of years ago when I did something that he hated, he would shut down himself to dealing with the emotion and anger on his own. I was sad, scared and insecure. But I still have to be strong and stay with my baby. I apologize to my husband, "Darling, I'm sorry. I should't have hit you." He replied in anger, "No, you don't have to apologize." which means he didn't accept it. I know how big the mistake was.
I left for work. My son was yelling because mommy was gone. On the way, I was riding and thinking that if nothing can change, if I lost this time, if he won't forgive me, if we separate, how much I can earn. I don't want the house (so I have to rent one for me and my baby), I can buy a second-hand car, I don't need much, only my baby boy. I can't live without him. He is my blood, my life and my pressure. But depending on what happened this morning, I can't win physically over him. I was blocked, and the baby was taken away.
So when I got to work place, I began a short message to apologize to him again. I hope he won't be angry for too long. I hope he can forgive me and, the most important of all, I hope my boy is around love and care, not hatred or anger.
This is my fault.
I need to improve my emotion management.
I won't make the same mistake anymore, not to anyone.
I can't lose my baby.
Please help me get through this.
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